Feeling socially rusty? We often hear how younger generations have lost the art of conversation thanks to being chronically online. But after a pandemic, the push to work from home, and an increasingly online world, I think everyone’s social skills have regressed a little. Let’s reclaim them with these tips.
Last year, I made it a mission to meet as many strangers as possible. I started going to group meetups for dinner and coffee, making an effort to socialize with my neighbours, meet fellow gardeners in my new neighbourhood, and even chat with strangers when I was out and about.
I’m very comfortable in a room full of strangers. I can make conversation almost anywhere. It comes from a genuine interest in getting to know other people.
I think many people share that sense of curiosity, but they’re just out of practice. Many of our social skills have gone by the wayside after years of working from home and shopping online. It’s standard not to interact with people outside of your existing social circle.
Social anxiety, more often than not, is about inexperience. Most of us only go out for dinner or have an event once a week, and that becomes our entire social outlet.
So when we do interact with someone new, it feels high-stakes. You feel pressured to say the perfect thing.
But real-life conversations don’t work that way. You’re allowed to have a different opinion. To stumble. To disagree. And you can still connect.
I’ve made it my everyday norm to meet and chat with all kinds of people. By now, you’ve probably noticed how much I’ve been talking about community building on Garden Therapy. And I can feel the excitement building. But a lot of people still feel nervous about putting themselves out there.
I’m hopeful that these tips from my own experiences will help you stretch out your social skill muscles.
Learning How to Talk to People Again
Just Show Up
Half the battle is just showing up. You have to go through a lot of mental hoops just to meet someone new. Taking the step to talk to someone is already the biggest thing you can do to start reconnecting to people.
Chatting with new people regularly is how you’ll rewire your brain. Most people are kinder and more interesting than our social fears might suggest. We’re not aiming for perfection, but participation.
Everyone considers how introverts are putting themselves out there when they get into social situations, but extroverts also can experience social anxiety.
I don’t think people realize how much extroverts will go home and obsess about what they said. I still find myself sinking into doubt about whether I overshared or talked too much. When you’re speaking a lot, you put a lot of vulnerability out there.
This is why it’s important to practice in social situations. Over time, you develop more resilience to that nagging social anxiety. People are incredibly forgiving and don’t notice most of the things you stress over from your interactions.
So even after you go and feel awkward the first time, keep going back and trying. There’s no wrong way to approach talking to people. Talk a lot or clam up. Don’t worry about the performance and feel too self-critical about how people perceive you.
The more we do this, the less the meeting becomes about engaging in the conversation. People are there for one reason: to exist with others.
Find Your Conversational Doorknob
The best conversations happen when you can find the “conversational doorknob” between you and a stranger. This is when you go from small talk to finding a nugget of information that will lead to a bigger conversation.
Listen for the moment when the other person presents a concept that gives you the doorknob to open and walk through into the next topic.
Avoid one-word answers, since those won’t continue the conversation. Challenge yourself to say more on the topic, to give the other person the opportunity to find something to relate to.
Pay attention to cues and how engaged they might be in the current topic. For instance, I noticed a huge increase in how people make conversation by referring to things they saw online while scrolling. But when there’s so much content and algorithms to contend with, we’re all getting served different content. Many people might not get what you’re talking about.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
One of the easiest ways to make a conversation flow is to ask open-ended questions about positive memories or experiences. For a gardener, that might be:
- What is your favourite vegetable to grow?
- What flowers are blooming in your garden?
- What is your biggest accomplishment or success in your garden?
This can be translated into any situation, but I like to use gardening because I consider it a really low-barrier entry for conversation. People love to speak about the plants in their gardens, and they don’t have a lot of negative emotional attachment to them.
I meet lots of people who don’t garden, and most of them will say they kill everything they try to grow. To which I tell them that every gardener has killed far more plants than you. That’s how you learn.
I can follow it up by asking what they would grow if they ever got into gardening, or they’ll often ask me for growing advice.
All this to say, if you ask follow-up questions and figure out more details, the conversation flows from there. It’s about slowing down, taking a deep breath, and allowing the conversation to unfold naturally.
Each Interaction is Different
I often take up different roles depending on who I am with. In some settings, I feel like I’m leading the charge as the more exuberant one. But other times, I may be the quieter one, more interested in listening.
Some people like to talk while others like to listen. I try to pick up on cues, asking questions when I feel that someone wants to be seen or supported. Other times, I try to fill the space by telling a story, making them laugh, or being vulnerable.
Listening is so important. If I notice that someone is struggling to share details, I’ll ask questions to let them know that I’m interested and help draw out their light.
At the same time, I know I can ask lots of questions in my excitement to get to know someone, so I’ll pull back so they don’t feel like they’re getting interviewed.
You can be one way with one person, and another with someone else. Being with other people helps bring out different sides of yourself.
So with that said, I think it’s important to explore these different sides. Meet people in multiple ways, in more than one kind of setting, to see how this dynamic might shift for you.
Step Outside Your Social Comfort Zone
It’s easiest to connect with people who are like you. After all, common interests and lifestyles are very easy to bond over. But also try to invite and engage with strangers who are different than you. Different age groups, genders, cultural backgrounds, industry interests, political beliefs, etc.
Online, we’re delivered hyper-curated, interest-based content that reinforces your interests. At times, it can feel like other perspectives don’t exist. But meeting with other people outside your interests can help open your mind to other truths around you.
There’s a good saying that you don’t know what you don’t know. In today’s isolated and carefully curated world, you can’t know what you don’t know unless you interact with others who are brave enough to share their reality with you.
I hope this gives you some encouragement to dust off those social skills and try to put yourself out there more. Just showing up is half the battle! Let’s start the conversation below. Leave a comment if you’re feeling inspired to make new connections.
A city girl who learned to garden and it changed everything. Author, artist, Master Gardener. Better living through plants.
